I've just survived 97 minutes of this atrocity. I have only survived this because Divinity demands I warn the rest of humanity against this tripe. I'm sorry, I've just insulted perfectly good tripe.

I watched the first "Feast" and enjoyed some of the humor that the movie had. It wasn't greatness, but it had its moments...and the character intros really made the movie. I found it fun, because I find horror movies fairly fun in general. (Yeah, that's my damage.) So, I figured...same director, maybe this one will have a few good parts to it too, and won't be a waste of time.

Wrong. Dead wrong. So wrong.

This movie has something to offend everyone, and considering the low bar that many horror fans set for the genre...well, this level of vileness is a feat. The gross-out factor is over the top, and insanely pointless in places. Violence is used against everyone...men, women, children, the elderly, Mexican midget wrestlers...and then there's what the monsters do as well. (Again, not a joke.) Plot is nigh non-existant, and nary a sympathetic character can be found.

The only reason I expect this movie was even released had to have been contractual obligation. If anyone knows John Gulager (the writer/direcor) , I humbly beseech you to do things: first, kick the man square in the nads. Don't hold back, don't show mercy...just take your best shot right in the hoolies. He deserves it, really. Second, try to get my rental money back.

I'm off to go shower now...like the shower the guy takes in "The Crying Game".

Rating: 0 exploding, fluid-filled monster corpses out of 5. Nada.

No spoilers on this one, just a quick review:

I want the 87 minutes of my life that I wasted back. No one's fault but my own though.

And now, for something completely different....

 When Robert Zemeckis said they weren't making your boring, English class version of Beowulf; well, he wasn't screwing around. I have to admit, I thought it didn't completely suck as a rental. If I had paid full price at the theater, I might have not been nearly so amused and entertained by it.  Of course, I had just reread _Eaters Of The Dead_, so I was in a mood for some Beowulf, and knowing that Neil Gaiman had his paws on the screenplay was another draw for me.

I was impressed by the cast that they brought in, and I thought that Crispin Glover was a fairly intriguing choice for the voice of Grendel. Anthony Hopkins and Angelina Jolie translated well to CGI, and Ray Winstone belted out his lines as an excellent over-the-top Beowulf. Now, is this a faithful version of the epic poem? If you read the part about who was involved in the screenplay, then you know the answer to that question. Still, I enjoyed the interpretation that was presented. Others will hate it, I'm sure.

If you have absolutely no interest in the story of Beowulf, stay away. If you can't handle lines spoken occasionally in Old English without subtitles, stay away.  If you're an English geek willing to take a chance, rent it.

My rating: 3 out of 5 ripped limbs  

Honestly, this will be one of the easiest reviews to write. Read the title. Follow instructions. Do not rent, watch, or otherwise let into your cerebellum.  You can spend the 78 minutes doing more productive things, like picking lint out of your belly button. Not even bad enough to be good, just plain bad. 

I give it only one ball gag out of 5, and not a well-made one at that.  I would normally hide this behind a cut, but I am apparently lj illiterate, and no spoilers can make this movie worse. So...

I think they were trying to make a film in the likes of Saw. First big problem: if your antagonist is gonna be a crazy psycho, at least help us understand what the guy's craziness is, why it happened...something to give us at least a bit of understanding if not empathy. Crazy just for the sake of crazy is not exactly good writing.The first Saw movie gave us these insights. So did Seven. These movies may not be masterpieces, but compared to the dog I'm reviewing, these two are Oscar gold.

Second: help us relate to the protagonists. I don't care if they're criminals who stumble over a really weird scene and don't split posthaste. (okay, they don't win points for brightness, but that sort of stupidity is almost a staple in this genre.) But why should we care if bad things happen to them? On a related note, make us care something for any side characters you may introduce. The whole movie is an exercise in social Darwinism as far as I care.

Ultimately, less worry about the gore and shock, more money for a WRITER! Sheebus....I'm done. This craptacular DVD deserves no more of my time.  

This selection for me fell under the category of previews didn't do this movie right...though to be fair, I'm not sure what kind of previews would have. So at any point, if you care, a dissection of this movie follows.

( Read more... )

Well, as kelshei was out of town and I had to stay behind so I could keep earning the almighty simolean, I decided to see the above movie to see what all the fuss was about. Yeah.

( Boy meets girl. Boy REALLY wishes he didn't. )

After taking a break last night, I present to you the final review of the weekend...as after some internet time I'm going to have dinner with the parental unit. By that time, my beloved wife should have returned and life will have resumed normalcy. (At least, what I call normalcy. Your mileage may vary.)

So, the finale...

( Welcome to zombie shitkicker heaven. )

Yes, it's me again...continuing the merriment. Moving on to the next feature on the dissection table:

( Vincent Price in a creepy role. What a shock. )

In between, I caught the last hour of "Murder by Death". Dated, but I love it nonetheless...it was a good moment of respite.

Thanks to AMC, I have this next selection. Normally, I would be up and watching both it and "Creature From The Black Lagoon", which I have yet to actually watch...but I was up at 7:30 this morning waiting for people to show up and leave me stuff for the pet sitting gig that didn't show until 10, naturally. So, I'm just not feeling it. (Though as the phone just started ringing, I did almost jump out of my skin. Nerves of steel, I tell ya.)

Anyway...

( Little Mikey Myers shouldn't play with knives... )

Before I begin, I want to state that I hate when my posts get eaten by the nameless void in the machine. Urgh.

Now then, my wife and I recently watched "Ghost In the Shell:Innocence". We both loved the first movie and I thought that maybe this one would be as good. I think we both ended up getting more and less than what we bargained for.

Of course, the artwork was phenomenal, and you could tell that the artists had some newer toys to play with in making the various scenes. The voicxes were in Japanese, which was a little different, but at least the subtitles were of a decent size for easy reading. Subtitling things like ("growing noise") and ("crowd cheering") was perhaps a little far, but things like that come with the territory.

What lost me was the fact that the movie tried to force a feeling of philosophy, or at least was very heavy-handed with quotes, musings, and ramblings...and I do mean more so than the first movie, which was no lightweight in this regard. A few of the quotations I had no familiarity with, which didn't help... and this wascombined with a confusing sequence of external memory hacking in the middle of the film. I admit, I was thrown like a would-be urban cowboy from a mechanical bull.

I won't say it was a bad movie...just take it with lots of milk 'cause it gets chewy quickly. I'll admit, however, I've seen far worse. I give it 2.5 gynoids out of 5 as a rating.

This entry's selection: "Wolves of Wall Street"

Rating (out of 5): 1 and a half moons

Review (w. possible spoilers)

( Read more... )

Viewed latest "Arthur".
Accurate? My fanny! Still,
not a bad movie.

Shaymalan's "Village"
Did manage to surprise me,
But still not "Sixth Sense".

Bad book, bad movie.